Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
