eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
