Screwed.edu
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
How naked do you want me to be?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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