I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
