I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
