I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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