I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
