Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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