explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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