you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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