did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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