CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Randomize
