and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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