dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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