You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
