I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Randomize
