It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
