Your face is a jimmy john
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
