Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
