had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Randomize
