Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
