I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
