i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Randomize
