Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
