so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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