I'm drive I can fine osifer
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
