I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
