there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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