Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
