I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
