I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
