Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
