Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
