Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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