I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Randomize
