Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
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You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize