Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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