I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
