My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Randomize
