I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
