so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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