see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
