I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
