the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
