My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
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