I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
