paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
