I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Randomize
