Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
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In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
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He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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