woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
