Michael Bay diarrhea
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
