Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
