I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
