She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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