Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
