I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
