I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
FUCK WHALES
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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