apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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